Artillery request.........

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Niner Delta
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Artillery request.........

Postby Niner Delta » Wed Aug 10, 2005 7:45 pm

Military Automated Artillery Support Request Line


Ever wonder how the trend of replacing human customer service representatives
with computers could affect the military. Here's the result. Picture troops
under fire, desperately needing artillery support, making a phone call and
hearing the following:

Thank you for calling the 9th Division's automated artillery support request
line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available
resources in the shortest time possible. For air support, please call the U.S.
Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW. [In enemy language: If you are a member of the
[enemy country] army, we will not be able to assist you. Please contact your own
army's artillery support request line at 1-800-DIEYANK]

If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1. If you are engaged
in mobile defense, please press 2. If you are defending a fixed position, please
press 3. If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun,
please press 4. If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press
5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like. If you would like 81 mm.
mortars, please press 1. If you would like 105 mm. howitzers, please press 2. If
you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering
mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates. If you would
like to request the use of chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold
the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by
the pound sign. Please remember to verify your coordinates and remember that
your request may take several minutes to process.
[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] You have entered co-ordinates 323451. If
this is correct, please press 1.

Thank you. Please enter your battalion pass-code, followed by the pound sign. As
soon as we verify your pass-code, we will begin processing your request. If you
have forgotten your pass-code, please contact 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary
pass-code. Please enter your passcode now. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]

Thank you. [Pause] Your pass-code has been verified and your request will be
processed. We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as
possible. Thank you for using the 9th Division's artillery request support
line.


Vern.
Vern.

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